


Shootout

by LilyK



Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: Gen, transcript
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 12:40:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28618191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyK/pseuds/LilyK
Summary: In an Italian restaurant, a duo of hitmen await the arrival of a mob boss targeted for assassination. Starsky and Hutch inadvertantly stumble upon the situation during which Starsky is seriously wounded.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1
Collections: Starsky & Hutch Original Series Transcripts





	Shootout


    SHOOTOUT
    
    Season 1, Episode 14
    
    Original Airdate: December 17, 1975
    
    Written by: David P. Harmon
    Directed by: Fernando Lamas
    Created by: William Blinn
    
    Summary: In an Italian restaurant, a duo of hitmen await the arrival of a mob boss targeted for assassination. Starsky and Hutch inadvertantly stumble upon the situation during which Starsky is seriously wounded. 
    
    Cast: 

David Soul ... Det. Ken 'Hutch' Hutchinson

Paul Michael Glaser ... Det. Dave Starsky

Antonio Fargas ... Huggy Bear

Bernie Hamilton ... Capt. Harold Dobey (credit only)

Albert Paulsen ... Tom Lockly

Jess Walton ... Theresa Defusto

Steven Keats ... Joey Martin

Norman Fell ... Sammy Grovner

Barbara Rhoades ... Robin Morton

Steve Sandor ... Jimmy Lee Carson

Tresa Hughes ... Mrs. Durant

Danny Wells ... Maharaja (as Danny Welles)

Jan Arvan ... Mr. Durant
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Police Interrogation Room**
    
    MAHARAJA: As I said before, a man is safe in the shadow of the flower of the Himalayas. The light of Asia shines in my inner being.
    
    STARSKY: Yeah? Well, your inner being better stand by. If you come up with more answers like that you're not gonna be safe under the shadow of a sequoia tree!
    
    MAHARAJA: I am the Maharaji Jehru.
    
    STARSKY: You're Harry Sample! That's the name on the rap sheet!
    
    MAHARAJA: Perhaps, in a different life.
    
    HUTCH: Now, Harry, you're irritating Detective Starsky here. I wouldn't do that if I were you. 
    
    STARSKY: There's a 19-year-old girl in the hospital. She's in a coma. 
    
    HUTCH: Hey. Come on. 
    
    STARSKY: You did it to her and I'm not gonna let up until you admit it!
    
    HUTCH: Let go!
    
    STARSKY: You stay out of this! Stay out of this!
    
    HUTCH: Not the chair. Starsk, not the chair.
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Police Precinct Corridor**
    
    STARSKY:  That creep's holding firm.
    
    HUTCH: No, I don't think so. I think you're starting to get to him. You know, get pretty scary when you get mad. 
    
    STARSKY: Yeah? 
    
    HUTCH: Almost broke my back in there.
    
    STARSKY: Must be those Bela "Lugoosi" movies I saw when I was a kid.
    
    HUTCH: Starsky, it's Bela Lugosi.
    
    STARSKY: Well, Lugoosi, Lugosi. I just hope he cracks soon. I'm starved. 
    
    HUTCH: You might not be hungry if you ate right. 
    
    STARSKY: Well, maybe it's all that organic Japanese seaweed I had for lunch. 
    
    HUTCH: Could've been the sardines you had.
    
    STARSKY: Hey, isn't it time we went back in there?
    
    HUTCH: Yeah.
    
    STARSKY: Hey, what about tonight?
    
    HUTCH: Why don't we come back to my place and scramble up some eggs?
    
    STARSKY: Hey, dinner, not breakfast. What about some Italian food?
    
    HUTCH: No, I wanna go home. It's liable to rain.
    
    STARSKY: Hey, I know a great Italian restaurant down by the docks, you know? Fantastic. It's run by an old family...
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Police Interrogation Room**
    
    HUTCH: You can smoke if you want, Harry.
    
    MAHARAJA: It is against the teachings.
    
    HUTCH: You know your rights. You can have a lawyer.
    
    MAHARAJA: But I am not guilty.
    
    HUTCH: You know something, Harry, I really hate to see this kind of a thing happen. You know the last time that my partner got riled like that they almost threw him off the force? They would have too. But at the last moment, the guy managed to pull through.
    
    MAHARAJA: Yes, but, I am innocent.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, Harry, we've got you cold turkey. Let me explain something about my partner. You see, he's gonna come back in here and he'll be very calm. He'll apologize. Smile. And then he's gonna ask me to go get a cup of coffee for him. 
    Now, he knows that the cafeteria in this place is in the basement. It's gonna take me five or six minutes to get down there and back up here with the coffee. Now, that's a long time to be in the same room with a man who's as angry as he is. You understand what I'm talking about?
    
    MAHARAJA: I... I am sustained by the faith of the white snows of India.
    
    HUTCH: Well, I sure hope so.
     
    STARSKY: Well, Harry, it seems I got a little excited. Hope I didn't tangle your chains, huh? Let me tell you something, Harry. Hutch and I don't have anything to do tonight. And if it's important to you, we are willing to take all night. Right?  Oh, you got a date tonight, don't you?
    
    HUTCH: Yeah. Whatever you want to do.
    
    STARSKY: See? Hey, how about a cup of coffee? Hum? It's your turn. It's his turn.
    
    HUTCH: You really want a cup of coffee?
    
    STARSKY: Yeah. Don't you want a cup of coffee, Harry?
    
    MAHARAJA: Hey, hey. Hey, wait a minute. You're not gonna leave me alone with this guy, are you?
    
    HUTCH: Well, that's up to you, Harry.
    
    STARSKY: Hey, what's the matter? You don't like coffee?
    
    MAHARAJA: All right. All right. But you gotta believe me. I mean, I was stoned out of my head. I didn't know what I was doing. You guys, you gotta understand. I mean, she came right for me. I didn't know what I was doing.
    
    STARSKY: Yeah, okay.
    
    MAHARAJA:I'm not kidding you, man. You gotta believe me. I swear I didn't know what I was doing, man. This chick just came to me.
    
    HUTCH: This is Detective Hutchinson in interrogation room 7. Can you send
    a stenographer up here? We'll have a statement from Mr. Harry Sample.
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Hitmen's Hotel Room**
    
    MARTIN: (listening to radio) That's it. Do it, do it, do it, do it! All right!
    Half-time. Boy, this is some great game.
    
    LOCKLY: Outcome still in doubt?
    
    MARTIN: No, I told you, this game was taped last week. The Bulls, they were trying to-
    
    LOCKLY: Oh. 
    
    MARTIN: You got me. What's the matter, Mr. Smart Man, huh? Mr. Intellectual. Ain't you ever read one of those books of yours more than once?
    
    LOCKLY: Touché, Joey. Touché.
    
    MARTIN: I just wish that damn phone would ring.
    
    LOCKLY: It will ring.
    
    MARTIN: Yeah, well, it's been three days already, man. Three days! I'm not even supposed to be in this state, man. I got warrants out on me.
    
    LOCKLY: Do what you're told and you'll have nothing to worry about.
    
    MARTIN: I'll tell you something else, you know. I think this idea of you wanting to hit Monte in a restaurant is a little wacko.
    
    LOCKLY: It's the only place Monte goes without his soldiers. Consequently, Joey, it's the only place we can get a good shot at him. So why don't you go back
    to your half-time festivities, Joey? You wouldn't want to miss your boom-boom girls and your marching bands.
    
    MARTIN: Oh, yeah? Well, it's a lot better than reading that garbage that you read. Answer it, answer it!
    
    LOCKLY: (on phone) Yes.
    
    DEFUSTO: This is Theresa DeFusto.
    
    LOCKLY: Yes, Theresa?
    
    DEFUSTO: Mr. Monte will be here at midnight.
    
    LOCKLY: Are you absolutely sure of the time?
    
    DEFUSTO: Yes. I took the call myself. He'll be here at 12:00 sharp.
    
    LOCKLY: Well, then, in that case, I want a reservation for two. (end) Here we go, Joey.
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Restaurant Dining Room**
    
    DEFUSTO: Anything else you want?
    
    CARSON: You know what I want.
    
    DEFUSTO: Not tonight, Jimmy.
    
    CARSON: Listen, you're gonna break this little old linebacker's heart with talk like that.
    
    DEFUSTO: Well, maybe you'd better call the next time you come all the way out here.  Please, Jimmy, go home.
    
    CARSON: Theresa, you've been on me every minute since I came in. Hey now, if it's something that I've done...
    
    DEFUSTO: Oh, no, it's nothing you've done. I just have problems, and they're personal.
    
    CARSON: You know them?
    
    DEFUSTO: No. Jimmy, please leave. I wanna close early tonight.
    
    CARSON: But the old man's still in the kitchen cooking.
    
    DEFUSTO: He's making a special order for a special customer. Jimmy, I'll quit early tomorrow night and we'll go to a movie. I wanna be alone tonight.
    
    LOCKLY: How about a little service here, miss?
    
    DEFUSTO: Right away.
    
    LOCKLY: I'm Tom Lockly. You must be Theresa. This is my pal. I trust there's no change in the schedule.
    
    DEFUSTO: No, he'll be here at midnight.
    
    LOCKLY: Good. Then I think we have time for a nice dinner.
    
    STARSKY: You are gonna love this place. I mean, I want you to look at the atmosphere. Ever seen anything so old?
    
    HUTCH: Think we can find a table?
    
    STARSKY: Here's a table right here. Come on. Come on, come on, come on.
    
    DEFUSTO: Excuse me.
    
    LOCKLY: Surely. Now, what's bothering you? Something bothering you?
    
    MARTIN: Those two geeks that just walked in the door are cops.
    
    LOCKLY: Are you sure?
    
    MARTIN: What do you mean, am I sure? I told you I got warrants out on me.
    
    DEFUSTO: It's almost closing time. We don't have much left.
    
    STARSKY: Whatever you got, I bet it's good even if it's not on the menu.
    
    HUTCH: You'll have to excuse my friend here. What would you recommend?
    
    DEFUSTO: Veal piccata, linguini with clams.
    
    HUTCH: I'll have the veal.
    
    STARSKY: I'll have the linguini with clams.
    
    DEFUSTO: All right, veal and linguini. Do you want some wine with it?
    
    HUTCH: Vino de casa.
    
    DEFUSTO: Vino de casa, okay.
    
    STARSKY: What's vino de casa?
    
    HUTCH: They make it themselves.
    
    STARSKY: What?
    
    HUCH: Wine. House wine.
    
    STARSKY: Oh, hey. Hey, I told you you'd like this place. You know what it reminds me of?
    
    HUTCH: Yeah. The restaurant your grandmother used to live over when you were a kid.
    
    STARSKY: How'd you know that?
    
    HUTCH: Every time we go to an Italian restaurant, it reminds you of the  restaurant your grandmother lived over when you were a kid.
    
    STARSKY: Yeah, I guess it does.
    
    HUTCH: I think it's over there.
    
    STARSKY: What?
    
    HUTCH: The john.
    
    STARSKY: Anybody ever tell you you're a regular shaft of sunlight? Where you going?
    
    HUTCH: Play some music.
    
    STARSKY: Ohhh. 
    
    HUTCH: That's all right. It's free.
    
    STARSKY: Oh. 
    
    MARTIN: That's it. They've made us. Come on.
    
    LOCKLY: Take it easy. Cover that one. Don't move. I have a gun in your back. Now, put both hands on top of the machine. Both hands on top of the machine. 
    That's right. Just keep both hands- Don't make any moves. Now, let's take a walk. Let's go to the men's room. Turn around. Turn around.
    
    (Starsky is shot.) 
    
    GROVNER: Hey, hey, hey! This must be the place...
    
    LOCKLY: You're not gonna make it, friend.
    
    GROVNER: Just wanted a drink. We don't want any trouble.
    
    LOCKLY: Just do what you're told and maybe nobody else will have to be hurt.
    
    DEFUSTO: They said only Monte would be shot. Only Monte.
    
    LOCKLY: It couldn't be helped. Now, remember, you have to think of your mother.
    Stay where you are.
    
    HUTCH: I don't care what your business is here tonight. I'm going over to my partner.
    
    LOCKLY: All right, go ahead. Go ahead.
    
    MARTIN: Ahhhh. I say we waste him.
    
    HUTCH: If you're gonna blow me away, you better do it now.
    
    LOCKLY: Joey, the man in the kitchen, he must have heard the shots. See if he ran away. Joey. The kitchen!
    
    HUTCH: Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. I'm right here. It's okay, buddy. I'm right here.
    
    STARSKY: Hey, Hutch... Hey, we really goofed, huh? Did you...? Did you get the bad guys?
    
    HUTCH: More like they got us. Take it easy. Take it easy, now.
    
    STARSKY: How do I look? How do I look?
    
    HUTCH: Well, one of them bounced off that thick skull of yours. The other one found your shoulder.
    
    STARSKY: The shoulder?
    
    HUTCH: Yeah.
    
    STARSKY: Is that all?
    
    HUTCH: That's all. Don't go away.
    
    STARSKY: What, now that I finally got a waitress?
    
    MARTIN: I locked the old man in the cellar. He ain't gonna go nowhere.
    
    HUTCH: I gotta get him to a hospital.
    
    LOCKLY: You said yourself it's only a shoulder wound.
    
    HUTCH: Look, I don't know who you are and I don't know why you're here and right now I really don't care. What I do know is that my buddy here's got a bullet in the back. And unless I get some help for him now, you're gonna have a dead cop
    on your hands. Do you understand?
    
    MARTIN: Yeah, hey... Maybe he's right. We ought to get out of here while we can.
    
    LOCKLY: It's too late to back out now, Joey.
    
    HUTCH: Easy. 
    
    LOCKLY: Is there any place we can put him?
    
    DEFUSTO: There's an office back there. It has a couch in it.
    
    LOCKLY: Now, take your partner into the office. Joey, there's a back entrance.
    Take care of it. And if there's a phone, pull it out. Go.
    
    HUTCH: Come on, buddy.
    
    STARSKY: Where we going?
    
    HUTCH: I'm gonna take you some place where you can be comfortable. Come on. 
    
    STARSKY: Sounds nice.
    
    HUTCH: Come on. Get me some clean towels, tablecloths, water.
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Restaurant Office**
    
    HUTCH: Take it easy, buddy. Take it easy.
    
    MARTIN: Listen, I could put your friend out of his misery for him.
    
    HUTCH: Get the hell out of here.
    
    MARTIN: Don't forget, cop, when you come out, I wanna see your hands in the clear, huh.
    
    HUTCH: Easy. No, no, don't move.
    
    STARSKY: Oh, Hutch. Oh, I feel sick.
    
    HUTCH: Just a second. One more time. One more time.
    
    STARSKY: Oh, Hutch. Hutch.
    
    HUTCH: Take it easy. Take it easy.
    
    STARSKY: Hey... what happened? Would you tell me what happened?
    
    HUTCH: You got shot, remember?
    
    STARSKY: No kidding. I thought- Oh, my head.
    
    HUTCH: You got a little crease.
    
    STARSKY: Hutch. Oh, Hutch.
    
    HUTCH: Where the hell is that girl? Get in here with that stuff!
    
    STARSKY: Hey, Hutch, you sound like Dobey.
    
    HUTCH: Sorry.
    
    DEFUSTO: Here are the things you wanted.
    
    HUTCH: Put them over there. Take your hand. Keep pressure on that. What's your name?
    
    DEFUSTO: Theresa.
    
    HUTCH: Theresa, some mess you got us into.
    
    DEFUSTO: What are you talking about?
    
    HUTCH: "Monte. It was only supposed to be Monte." I heard you. You're talking about Vic Monte, aren't you? Gangland boss. You set him up, huh? 
    
    DEFUSTO: No.
    
    HUTCH: You set him up, didn't you?
    
    DEFUSTO: You don't know how it is.
    
    HUTCH: Well, then, how is it?
    
    DEFUSTO: Vic Monte had my brother killed.
    
    HUTCH: Which brings us right back to my point. You set him up.
    
    DEFUSTO: Well, they can be very convincing when they wanna be.
    
    HUTCH: Who can? Your brother was family, huh? Take it easy. Take it easy. I'm right here.
    
    DEFUSTO: Do you think I wanted to get involved in this? My brother was a baby. He wasn't even 20 years old.
    
    HUTCH: Lady, you better understand what you've got yourself involved in. Take it easy, buddy. Take it easy. This is no personal vengeance killing. Vic Monte is an important gangland boss and those two men out there are hired out-of-state killers. What you have done is put us right in the middle of a shooting war.
    
    DEFUSTO: No! No, it's because of my brother. Now, they said Monte has to pay, and that's why.
    
    HUTCH: Easy, Starsk, easy. Easy, now. I want to pick up your head. Take it easy. Easy. Easy. Easy. Besides killing people for a living, I got a feeling those two guys out there might lie a little too. You understand?
    
    MARTIN: (from other room) Hey, cop! Come out here.
    
    HUTCH: What time is Monte arriving? Theresa, listen to me. If not for my partner here, what about those people out there, innocent people?
    
    DEFUSTO: None of those people are going to get hurt.
    
    HUTCH: Don't be stupid. You're safe. They won't touch you. You're family. But do you think after they've killed Vic Monte, they're gonna let any one of the rest of us walk out of here alive? Now, what time is he gonna come? What time?
    
    DEFUSTO: Midnight!
    
    MARTIN: (from other room) Hey, cop, I'm not gonna tell you again. Now, come on out here.
    
    HUTCH: Okay. Okay. Now, listen, you stay in here. You keep him covered and warm
    and keep his face cool. If he needs me, you call me.
    
    DEFUSTO: Yeah.
    
    STARSKY: Hutch. Ah. 
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Restaurant Dining Room**
    
    MARTIN: You came close to being laid out with your partner.
    
    LOCKLY: All right. I take it from here. Go to the bar, get yourself a drink and relax. Go, Joey. How is he?
    
    HUTCH: He's still alive.
    
    LOCKLY: Too bad all this had to happen.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah. Where do you want me?
    
    LOCKLY: Take a table up front. I want you visible from the front door.
    
    HUTCH: So if Vic Monte comes in here, sees I'm a cop, he'll think he's safe.
    
    LOCKLY: You're so intelligent, you put it together.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, it doesn't take much intelligence.
    
    LOCKLY: Go.
    
    MARTIN: Hope you like the year. What's a good-looking bimbo like you doing with a toad like this, huh?
    
    MORTON: I work for him. We're going to Vegas in the morning.
    
    GROVNER: She's my straight lady. I'm a comic.
    
    MARTIN: Oh, yeah?
    
    GROVNER: Sammy Grovner.
    
    MARTIN: Who?
    
    GROVNER: Sammy Grovner. Maybe you heard of me.
    
    MARTIN: No, I ain't.
    
    GROVNER: We just played three weeks at the Galaxy Bowl-a-Rama.
    
    MARTIN: You're really hitting the big time, huh? Hey, come on, funny man, tell me a joke. Make me laugh.
    
    GROVNER: What?
    
    MARTIN: Well, that's what you get paid for. That's what you get paid to do, right? Tell jokes? Come on, make me laugh. Come on, tell me a joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Monte'll walk in and see everybody having a good time. He won't think anything's wrong. Come on, make me laugh.
    
    GROVNER: Well, give me a second to think. Okay. Okay. There's this bunch of gangsters, you see? They're hanging a-
    
    MARTIN: This better be funny.
    
    MORTON: Are you trying to get us killed? Is that what you're trying to do?
    
    GROVNER: It's a funny joke. You know it's a funny joke. 
    
    MORTON: Do I have to sit with him?
    
    MARTIN: You came in with him, you're gonna have to go out with him. Hey, that's funny. Some comic. Next week you're gonna be playing car washes.
    
    DEFUSTO: I think he needs you. 
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Restaurant Office**
    
    DEFUSTO: It's gonna be all right. I know it is. They'll do what they have to and then leave.
    
    HUTCH: Sure. Hey, buddy, how you feeling?
    
    STARSKY: Hey.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah. Right here.
    
    STARSKY: What's happening?
    
    HUTCH: Let me check this out. Well, it looks like we're sitting on a bit of powder keg. 
    
    STARSKY: Huh? 
    
    HUTCH: Yeah. Vic Monte.
    
    STARSKY: Vic Monte?
    
    HUTCH: Yeah. Those two guys out there are planning to surprise old Vic with his linguini.
    
    STARSKY: That's not too good.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah, I know. When they're finished with him, we're next.
    
    STARSKY: You really know how to cheer a guy up, don't you?
    
    HUTCH: Well, I do my best. Here, take a bite of that.
    
    STARSKY: It's awful.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah? Okay.
    
    STARSKY: What are we gonna do? 
    
    HUTCH: What time you got? Hey, buddy. 
    
    STARSKY: No, it's all right. It's all right. 
    
    HUTCH: Listen. Here, take my watch.
    
    STARSKY: Okay.
    
    HUTCH: All right. I've synchronized it with the wall clock there.
    
    STARSKY: Yeah? What are we gonna do with it?
    
    HUTCH: All right, it's a long shot, but it's the only chance we got right now. 
    Joey, the wild man out there? He's wound up tighter than a drum. He's ready to explode any minute. Think you can handle this? Heave it against that wall over there? Huh? Easy, easy. Huh? 
    
    STARSKY: Give it to me.
    
    HUTCH: Okay.
    
    STARSKY: Just give it to me.
    
    HUTCH: All right, now, do it and make a lot of racket.
    
    STARSKY: Lot of racket. Hey, hey, listen. This reminds me of a film I saw.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah, what?
    
    STARSKY: You know, the bad guy, you trip him and his gun slips out of his hand. 
    You grab... Hey.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah?
    
    STARSKY: You got any plans after this is over?
    
    HUTCH: It's up to you. After we get this all wrapped up, we'll go down and knock off a couple of banks in Bolivia.
    
    STARSKY: Okay. Hey, when do I throw the first pitch? 
    
    HUTCH: Okay. Five minutes. That's gonna give me time to get back to that table and into position without them knowing anything's coming down. 
    
    STARSKY: That's 14 minutes before 12.
    
    HUTCH: Fourteen to 12. Okay. 
    
    STARSKY: Hey, Hutch. Hey, next time you want scrambled eggs, don't let me talk you out of it. Huh? 
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Restaurant Dining Room**
    
    GROVNER: It's crazy. It's really crazy.
    
    MORTON: I'm gonna get out of this.
    
    GROVNER: Yeah, but how? They got us nailed here.
    
    MORTON: I said me, Sammy. I'm gonna get me out of this.
    
    GROVNER: It's really nice to know you can be counted on.
    
    MORTON: It's all over for you any way.
    
    GROVNER: What are you talking about? Is Las Vegas all over?
    
    MORTON: A stinking lounge in a stinking downtown hotel? Second bananas
    to a second-rate rock group?
    
    GROVNER: It's still Las Vegas, and it's my shot.
    
    MORTON: Stop dreaming, Sammy. They're gonna pull the curtain down. Only, not on me. Not on me!
    
    MORTON: What should I do? Call a cop? This seat taken?
    
    MARTIN: No, it's our pleasure. She's quite a number, ain't she?
    
    LOCKLY: You want her for later, she's all yours.
    
    MORTON: Don't I do anything for you?
    
    MARTIN: Him? Are you kidding? You ought to see this guy's place. Full of books. It looks like a library.
    
    MORTON: Well, I'd rather see yours.
    
    MARTIN: Oh, yeah? Well, ah< we could throw the cop out of the office.
    
    MORTON: Now?
    
    MARTIN: Why not?
    
    MORTON: Why not?
    
    MARTIN: Hey, you're really something, ain't you?
    
    MORTON: I could be anything you want me to be.
    
    MARTIN: You're luck...
    
    LOCKLY: Hold it!
    
    MARTIN: Cheap tramp! If you were any kind of a broad, you'd stick with that guy whether he was a toad or not! She thought I fell for that. She really did.
    
    LOCKLY: I suggest you go back to your table, miss.
    
    MORTON: Do you mind? 
    
    HUTCH: No matter what the move, it's always the wrong one. 
    
    MORTON: Story of my life. You know, Sammy's been good to me. Really good. So, what do I do? Tell him to go drown. Some hood, some two-bit hood, sees right through me. I don't know what it is with men. I don't understand. If I don't kiss them off, they kiss me off. Why is that? Huh? Come on, you're a guy. Tell me, why is that?
    
    HUTCH: Maybe you have to give a little.
    
    MORTON: Give a little. That's funnier than Sammy. It's not so funny when it's true, is it? 
    
    CARSON: There's one thing I can't figure out. If Vic Monte is supposed to be as a big a man as they say he is, it don't stand to reason, him letting anybody get close to him, close enough to set him up.
    
    DEFUSTO: Well, about a month after my brother was killed some of his friends came to the house. They knew I needed a job, so...
    
    HUTCH: And they got you this?
    
    DEFUSTO: They called me three days ago and they told me that it was Vic Monte who had my brother killed. They talked about obligation and honour. I said I couldn't do it. And that was when they mentioned the accident that my mother would have if I didn't go along with them.
    
    CARSON: Your mother?
    
    HUTCH: Whatever happens in the next minute, try to stay out of the way, huh?
    
    DEFUSTO: Stay out of it.
    
    CARSON: I've had about as much as a man can take.
    
    DEFUSTO: Jimmy, don't!
    
    HUTCH: Go back and sit down!
    
    CARSON: Let go!
    
    MARTIN: Lousy bum. I should've killed you when I had the chance. Next time I'm not gonna miss you.
    
    CARSON: Yeah, when I get a chance, I ain't gonna miss you.
    
    MARTIN: You don't get no more chances, big boy. None of you get people get any more chances.
    
    LOCKLY: Joey, will you shut up? Take him to the cellar and lock him up with the old man.
    
    MARTIN: All right, let's go. Move. Move it!
    
    LOCKLY: Now, miss, get back to your table. You two sit over there.
    
    HUTCH: Stay out of this.
    
    DEFUSTO: He's hurt!
    
    HUTCH: Listen, there's no more time for making choices. You understand? You're either gonna help me or you're not.
    
    DEFUSTO: What do you want me to do?
    
    HUTCH: Is there a gun in this place?
    
    DEFUSTO: I don't know.
    
    LOCKLY: Theresa, get away from there. Get these people some food.
    
    HUTCH: While you're in the kitchen, check the wine cellar. Find out if the old man has a gun. If he does, where it is.
    
    LOCKLY: Theresa!
    
    DEFUSTO: Yeah?
    
    LOCKLY: I told everybody to sit down. What are you whispering about?
    
    HUTCH: Well, before your trigger-happy pal got so excited, I thought I heard something fall back in the office. I'd like to go check my partner out.
    
    LOCKLY: All right, go ahead, but first, that empty holster, get rid of it, now.
    
    MARTIN: The big jerk is locked up.
    
    LOCKLY: They say that rain washes everything clean. It's gonna take a lot of it
    before we're through here.
    
    MRS. DURANT: I'm not hungry.
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Restaurant Office**
    
    STARSKY: Hutch?
    
    HUTCH: Yeah, I'm right here.
    
    STARSKY: Hutch?
    
    HUTCH: I'm right here. I'm right here. I'm right here.
    
    STARSKY: I thought they killed you. 
     
    HUTCH: Is that what you were doing on the floor?
    
    STARSKY: I thought I'd tunnel out, go for help.
    
    HUTCH: How's your arm?
    
    STARSKY: It's fine. Hey, did you get the bad guys?
    
    HUTCH: I think we still got them with us.
    
    STARSKY: Oh, terrific.
    
    HUTCH: You sure your arm's all right?
    
    STARSKY: Oh, it couldn't be better. I told you, Gene Autry gets it there all the time. How do I look?
    
    HUTCH: Oh, you look terrific.
    
    STARSKY: You bet I do.
    
    HUTCH: Terrific. You want me to sit you up?
    
    STARSKY: Think you can?
    
    HUTCH: I'll try, you big lug. Come on.
    
    STARSKY: I'll try to help.
    
    HUTCH: Move your legs a little for me.
    
    STARSKY: Oh, okay.
    
    HUTCH: Okay, now, just hold it right there. Hold it right there.
    
    STARSKY: What do you want me to do now?
    
    HUTCH: I'll let you know, okay? Right now I think we've got them on the run.
    There you go. You stay right there and take it easy.
    
    STARSKY: I ain't going nowhere.
    
    DEFUSTO: How is he?
    
    HUTCH: He can't feel a thing. What about the gun?
    
    DEFUSTO: The old man says there's a- sort of a gun.
    
    HUTCH: Sort of?
    
    DEFUSTO: The part where you put the bullets-
    
    HUTCH: The clip?
    
    DEFUSTO: -is in the back of the cash register and the gun is under the bar near the register, but I don't know if it's good. He hasn't used it in years or cleaned it in years.
    
    HUTCH: There's no way we can find out till we try it. If we work together, I think I can get the clip, but you're gonna have to get the gun and bring it back. Understand? Can you do it?
    
    DEFUSTO: Yeah, I think I can. Yeah.
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Restaurant Dining Room**
    
    LOCKLY: Hey, cop. Get back to your seat. Don't push me. 
    
    HUTCH: I just want a beer. My mouth is dry.
    
    MARTIN: I'll bet it is.
    
    DEFUSTO: You want a beer, you pay for it.
    
    MARTIN: You tell him, Theresa. Those cops are all alike. They're all trying to get something for nothing.
    
    HUTCH: How much?
    
    DEFUSTO: 50 cents.
    
    HUTCH: My partner's getting the chills. I'd appreciate it if you'd get him
    something warm to drink.
    
    DEFUSTO: There's some soup already made out in the kitchen.
    
    HUTCH: I'll pay for it. 
    
    DEFUSTO: Okay?
    
    LOCKLY: Okay, but make it fast.
    
    MARTIN: I bet the piggy put in a buck in the till and took out a 10 spot huh.
    
    MR. DURANT: We should have had children.
    
    MRS. DURANT: What?
    
    MR. DURANT: If we had kids, at least someone would care.
    
    MRS. DURANT: A lot of people will care.
    
    MR. DURANT: The people we know? They won't remember a month from now.
    
    MRS. DURANT: That doesn't say much for us, does it?
    
    MR. DURANT: It just about says it all.
    
    GROVNER: No matter what I had. I mean, if I had pneumonia or a broken arm or a boil, my mother always gave me chicken soup. That's Jewish penicillin. Maybe there's a Polish joke there some place.
    
    MORTON: Nobody uses Polish jokes any more, Sammy.
    
    GROVNER: I guess you're right. I gotta think of some class material for Vegas.
    
    MORTON: I didn't mean it that way. I'm sorry. I'm always saying and doing the wrong things, aren't I?
    
    GROVNER: Listen, in my life, I've made more mistakes than I can count.
    
    MORTON: Yeah, so have I. Sammy, what I did over there before, that... That was really something else, wasn't it? I'm sorry.
    
    GROVNER: Oh, hey, you... You only did what you thought was right.
    
    MORTON: Please, Sammy, don't make me feel more guilty about it. Can you say something funny, make me laugh?
    
    GROVNER: How about... I love you? Isn't that a scream?
    
    MARTIN: Hey! Hey! What do you got there? Theresa, I'm ashamed of you.
    
    DEFUSTO: Why? What's the matter?
    
    MARTIN: It smells so good. Why didn't you bring me some, huh?
    
    DEFUSTO: There's some more in the kitchen. If you want some, you gotta get it yourself.
    
    LOCKLY: Three minutes to 12.
    
    MARTIN: Yeah, well, this time, I won't miss.
    
    DEFUSTO: I think you better get in here.
    
    LOCKLY: Hold it, cop! I want you where I can see you.
    
    HUTCH: I'm going back there and you're not gonna stop me! What are you gonna do now, blow me away? There's not gonna be time to pick up the pieces before Monte gets in here.
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Restaurant Office**
    
    HUTCH: Oh, beautiful. Hey, buddy, look what I got.
    
    STARSKY: Last go-around, huh?
    
    HUTCH: Yeah. From what I understand, this thing is as liable to go off in my face as anything.
    
    STARSKY: Well, you always did want an excuse to get your teeth capped.
    
    HUTCH: You know something?
    
    STARSKY: What?
    
    HUTCH: You look terrible.
    
    STARSKY: Hey, don't let me fool you. I played Camille in high school.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah. Now, there's one more thing I want you to do. When I walk out of this room, those guys watch me like a hawk.
    
    DEFUSTO: What can I do?
    
    HUTCH: I can't walk out with a gun in my hand and I can't get a clear shot at them because there are two people sitting at this table so want I want you to do is give me a couple of seconds to get into position.
    
    DEFUSTO: You want me to create a diversion.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah. Drop a glass, throw a tray, anything.
    
    STARSKY: Hey, Hutch.
    
    HUTCH: Hey. Yeah?
    
    STARSKY: Come here. I was just kidding about the teeth.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah.
    
    STARSKY: See you.
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Restaurant Dining Room**
    
    (Shootout ensues.) 
    
    HUTCH: Theresa, call an emergency operator. Get the police, an ambulance and a coroner's wagon down here.
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Restaurant Office**
    
    HUTCH: It's all over, partner.
    
    STARSKY: No, it ain't. Hey.
    
    HUTCH: What's that?
    
    STARSKY: I'm hungry.
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Hutch's House**
    
    HUGGY: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, to answer the many thousands of inquires as to what Detective David Michael Starsky has been doing in his off time while recovering from his gunshot injury, I now present the latest graduates of the Sammy Grovner School of Hilarious Humour. Starsky and Hutch.
    
    STARSKY: Hello, hello, hello. I've got a dog without a nose. 
    
    HUTCH: How does he smell?   
    
    STARSKY: Terrible.
    
    HUTCH: I warned you.
    
    STARSKY: What do you wanna do? Run out of your own house? Did you hear about the woman who got hurt taking a milk bath?
    
    HUTCH: No, what happened?
    
    STARSKY: Cow slipped, fell on her head. 
    
    HUTCH: Hello, hello, hello.
    
    STARSKY: Hello.
    
    HUTCH: Do I hear music?
    
    STARSKY: That's not music. That's just mice.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, you dummy. Mice can't play musical instruments.
    
    STARSKY: Did you ever hear of a "mice-stro"? Hello, hello, hello. 
    
    HUTCH: Hello. 
    
    STARSKY: Did you hear about the guy going through Customs? Asked if he had pornographic literature, he said, "I don't even own a pornograph." We are killing them. We are knocking them dead, man, knocking them dead.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
    
    STARSKY: Fantastic. Ohhh, boy. Ah, man, I told you it'd work.
    
    HUTCH: Tell you what. 
    
    STARSKY: Hmm? 
    
    HUTCH: I'll go out there and get them ready for the next set.
    
    STARSKY: Fantastic. Fantastic. 
    
    HUTCH: Don't forget the gorilla joke.
    
    STARSKY: I won't forget nothing.
    
    STARSKY: Good luck. You're the tops. Oh, I love you. I'm knocking them dead.
    We are knocking them dead. I gotta warn ya, if you people don't start laughing, I'm gonna join a club and hit you over the head with it. Did you ever get the feeling you're all alone in the world. Nobody loves you?
    
    END


End file.
